First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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