I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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