I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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