She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
