Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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