you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
