um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
