so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
