apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
