As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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