Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
