I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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