I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
