I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
