mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
