my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
