Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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