I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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