I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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