but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
