I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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