MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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