i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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