You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
