I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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