T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
