I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How does one acquire holy water?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
