I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i think my cat just said my name.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
