Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
