Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Congratulations! We have a period
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
