hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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