did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
