All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
