this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
