i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
