His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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