he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
