the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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