she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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