I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
