Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
