It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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