There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
