So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just high enough for therapy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
