what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
