You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
my liver is dry heaving
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
