If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
