I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
this just has baby written all over it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
