You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
