I wish life had little blips of pornography
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
