Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
