we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
