i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
