She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
